again... i called

it wasnt (truth be told) the afternoon dream... it was the closeness between my friends (recently turned couple) lying right next to me... on a saturday afternoon... that cracked me...

and then the... another one of those tempting "tiffy" facebook activity..


i called. hung up. text-text-text and called again... conversation was a bunch. fatal incident as usual... made me slip the slippery track once again.... and here I'm... cant wait to call him or hear from him....

does he know it? -i wonder... he knows it and doesn't care? -i should rather believe that... is he at least happy about ... that we're talkin now? - he'll never tell.

a 'rebound' smoke

one drag..... after a month long break... and the moment has thrown me into the last year-same time....

it was hot... and sweaty... i was a pure smoker... classic milds-smoker... and i was bumping to-and-fro mumbai-pune....
the heat.. the lack of time.. and the lack of money.. and hence the lack of food...(an everythin else worldly) wasn't.. none.. at all a problem.

the heat was good.

the heat was soothing.. comfortable.. and intoxicating.

sourly missing the last years conjunct. 

Gunite farhat...

U said all those things that I hate my mother for saying to me.... But it still doesn't help me a lot... When it comes to hating you.... I dunno if I'm really that concerned about u or it's this atif song makin me think this way....

The love has remained in the head... For so long. It's not funny. This is child like love... Meant to pass. :( but not unless.. Truly lived for a while....  That was the idea... And I was kinda hoping that you knew... :-/

Mujhe toh teri latt lag gayi.. Lag gayi... Zamana kahe latt yeh galat lag gayi...

Ironically (ironical with respect to the image you carry/believe.. Of me).. I've always found myself waiting for something.. Always thought.. Someday .. I'll drink.. And dance on the streets.. And not care... And he'd b there to hold me. The time bloody never came... M three years from thirty... And biee... You complain why I din't wait... Could it be funnier??.... 

It's not a bunch of years.. A lifetime.. My youth.. Has gone by... Waiting. And ... Nobody understood. 

Bla!... This post is a verbal vomit. Bla bla... Thanks to #mumbaiindians #kingfisher #wankherelounge #ipl and all that jazz.. :)

Nite - nite... My soul-other!

Mmmuahh

The comeback! - Pune *psy*

Fudge returned to pune for the first time... after 3 months of having posted out (to udhampur).

and as always.... "The Drama".....


PS: Drafted on 25 Nov 2011

on Mridul's B'day and m away in Mumbai....

what is this restlessness? Nothing is going wrong.. And m jus indulged in my own judgements

701 - Here's to Toshi! (a piece of my heart)

............ hmmmmm
the two obstacles.. the stupid chairs are out of my room... and the cute harry-potter clock has found the wall-rest behind it.
I thought i would call Toshi up here.. to come n stay with me.. only to discover that she has no contact now. The last time I spoke to her, she was upset about one of her close frens who committed suicide. And the weird thing is, when i spoke to Ke' bout this... she told me about another such incident having happened in her neighborhood.
Is it that common? Many rockin chik-celebs have chosen this extremity in the past. What a darn loss.. :(

Just the thought of losing Toshi makes my eyes wet. I know she is fine. She is the strongest girl I've known in my life. I can't wait to hear from her.


I resumed to my fanaticism for SATC today, after a long break, as I watch SATC- The Movie. Carrie busted Mr. Big out of her life, jus like that.

I walk in my spacious apartment with a hey-zie and feel like being somebody like her.



PS: Written sometime in Apr 2011......................

Palak wins Roadies X

so many people must be in awe....
Palak... She was the girl we 'blaaaahh-ed' upon when Shikh was starting with modeling. So much for mis-judgements....
I've come to realize one thing... There cannot b a general.. universally accepted right and wrong..... It's all about time.. place.. choices... desires... and so many thousands such other variables... There is so much to comprehend a person.. in account of his situation.. time.. past experiences... and this list can go on too.

I just wonder how focused one can be.. or has to be... to be a spot-on star.... or was it jus luck and destiny.
Whatever said and done... that was some passion. some sorta hang-up. some commitment and some 'Zidd'..

I like what Raghu has created... I like how they twist and turn and bring forward such people. "Roadies" probably... one of the very few brand-names well created in India... specially for my generation. And lucky are those who get to live it....

anywho... sulk-sleep time calls me back in this glorious weekend.
Gunite

the 'ever' unfinished...

As i open this website... after so long... trying to.. make it alive.. trying to "organize" it.... cant help but realize how many unfinished chapters.. incidences.. lessons.. memories and thoughts.. have gone by. And one can see it everywhere... the umpteen drafts in this very blog... many drafts in my gmail... scribblings in my iPhone notes... starred emails ... historical emails.... wishlists.. saved years ago... bunch of labels in the mailbox...

and i made a mark on.. each of them... to keep them in my to-do list.... but it never happened... god knows what was i thinking... even now when i look at those notes and drafts... i have no mind to finish them.. most of them i cant even recollect.

it just shows.. that... so many times.. i had a ruch.. of thoughts... may be decisions too... but i let them pass. i was too complacent to articulate it... or to face it!! i was busy making myself.... complacent... or just... the habit of self loathing.

uh... self-loathing!.... that's back after long... ha ha :)

if i cant love him... i'll atleast stop hating him!

25 Jan '13

yesterday.... after two drinks... i had a long conversation with farhat. which.. is an irregular occurrence of its own kind... here's why.. cause on most of such nights.... we indulge in our classic arguments.. which are just meaningless...  and i'm in my infamous bulldozing-mode. but!..... last nite.. there came a moment that we did connect... finally.... in the realms of a 'relationship'. we both accepted... how... its not there. the love.. connection... feelings.. and bonding... is not there. i cant stretch this imaginary relationship.... and he cant play complimentary in it... i cant (in my day avatar) explain how comforting this defeat felt. i cried... (and i still feel riled up) but these tears are of comfort... unlike.. all the time else when i shed the tears of anger.. every now and then.
crying was never a do-it-alone activity for me.. but now it is... it is.. cause... no one will ever understand what i had with farhat. and not because it was something great... but.. because it was not great. it was basic.  it was earthy. it was friendship. the first relationship that an individual identifies. (m a non-believer of families)

everything said and done... it was such a relief... to say what i really felt.