Life of a Giant. .

Was observing priyanka. . My first roommate here at SIMS. A petite, tidy, skillfully disciplined, doctor's lad. She does things quite fast. . Which is totally opposite to her personality. And everythin is done so neatly. . Doesnt even look as if any efforts were made. For example, i'll take 5 seconds to judge the amount of cream to be taken n applied. . She'd be done with the whole thing in jus 2 seconds. Though, she'll calmly message it through. My point is, she doesnt take time to decide such things. I remember the first day in the hostel. . She took jus bout half n hour to un-pack all her stuff. . Where as i took 3 n half or so. . Its not even that i had any better amount of stuff or anythin. It all appears to be so tactful. What to eat, when to buy, what to buy. . Everythin is so much in place. . Its irritatin. . Rather jealousy inspiring. Perhaps, today i jus got over this difference between us and decided to write.
She sleeps. . I dunno how. Like a feather i guess. Whereas i keep twistin and rollin for half the night tryin to figure out my comfortable position. My pillow is squeezed umpteen folds every night, whereas hers has jus one little small concavity. . Or not even that. Its almost like n unused pillow. . gawd! Is it jus my weight?
Duh. . I feel like a giant of my childhood stories. . Who is jus huge, uncivilized, reckless. . . And lives n waits for the prey. . lazily. . Yet with n attitude. Huh

. . . . . ..

I want a simple emotional life. . Simple. Very simply. . Happy - happy. . sad - sad. . I jus want it very simple. . Nothin like adjustin feelings as per ur level of understandin about a necessarily bad situation. . Its the silliest thing that i've done to myself. Its an ever failing attempt. . There's jus no point in cheatin ur inner self. Phh. . M tired of pretendin. Its Too much. .
I always knew that maturity is only pretentious. Hence proved. The more efficiently u pretendin stuff, the more mature u appear. And the more often u do this, the more it grows inside u. In my case, its only another stupid stranger that i see growing inside me.
Oh. . . :'(
i cant deal with myself. . This is a total failure. I cannot understand my mind. . Hence. . . being, significance, relevance, importance. . Nothing.
Why does it feel like walkin miles on a wrong path. . Only after covering those significant no. of miles. . I cant stop wondering. . I cant take my eyes off the past. . . . .

waiting for a nervousbreakdown..

thats what it means i guess... when even watchin friends doesnt cheer you up... it makes you LAUGH.. but the STRESS doesnt go away at all...

there are like hundreds of impending issues i need to do something about.. but don even feel like starting..

jus read ke's blog.. she's left her job and waiting for SIMS(god forbid) to happen to her... m sure she must have by now well understood that we are not supposed to leave a job unless we have another. i learnt that too.. the same way that she she did.... but here's where my painful story joins in... she at least had a happy life to look back into... and me??? ha ha.. i've always managed to hold up the most painful things. and still dunno weather its ever gonna pay back.. have to decide specialisation in next 2 days.. and i've not even been able to figure out why m doin this pg course...

spoke to jubin yesterday.. after a long time.. no, its not comforting anymore.. he has started sounding like a stranger too.. :'( really bad. talked bout how parents and there expectation get so damn critical to handle one day.. and .. here i am.. dying to own up totally different parents.. that too as in-laws. for a while felt that, at least mum-dad are muchhh cool-er than what all the others appear to be... but who knows.. that mite jus be another thing i like sayin and believing.. cant even remember when was the last time i lived up to that belief..

gawd!! this is a typical indian inferiority syndrome i guess.. we jus never love ourselves .... and put all our energies in becoming something else..... and people like me.. don even know what we're trying to become.

i don wanna settle down... thats too much to be expected i guess.. all i want is someone to stand besides me in this lost journey.. throughout.. every second.

...urghhhhh.. 'll die of this hysteria that has suddenly grown inside me... and its quite huge.. how many times m i gonna suppress it before it jus blows up.. and i dunno what all it'll affect.

m frustrated.. utterly... frustrated .. and these days... these are very small things that frustrate me..... so muchh... i really go crazy. m loosing my mind at every little .. tiny.. minutest possible difference i have with him. its so bloody damn irritating. and this skews my mind. centimeter by centimeter.... with every such small issue. making it demented.

ya... m being extremely reactive right now. and i like it being like that. its better than being on neither of the sides.... but i wont stick to this either long enough that it possibly gives me a relief. cause m scared..... of what? being myself?

my highly complicated situation is also very usual.. but what makes it highly dreadful is the fact that m on the other side. where there is no clean white solution.

my water bottle has got some fungus over it.. but i'll still drink. ........................

things wud've been muchh different if i were a little less lazy..

alrite... m gonna go back.. and again pretend to be all fine with this constantly increasing skewness inside me................ managing to still be nice to .......... not everyone

cheers ;)

Diwali................ A Festival of Lights..

Hey... ;)
This is the n-th time i thought of writing... but actually the first time m doin it....thankfully dint give it another thought.. else i'd still 've been playing farmtown. (fragment... looks like.... needs grammatical reconsideration)
i made a loosers decision... (this kind! after a long time). dint apply for the marketing summers with mtv... MTV.. the most glamorous thingi i know since childhood. yes.. the same one.. blah!!
i feel as if.. i cant forgive myself.. :'( :'(
CANNOT FORGIVE MYSELF... that best describes my exact feeling.....
in fact... this bad shape m in... i cant forgive myself for that also.... and the timing is so right to spoil the last hope of my career. so..
KNOWING THIS... what the heck m i doin.. Simply Nothin!!
Lets do a quick check-
age- 22y,8m,1d,13h..........
parents - do not trust, highly tensed and above all regularly bothered directly or indirectly
career- no one knows
emotional status - 65% sad and disturbed........ 22 % lost...... 13 % doesnt exist
(after all this... nothin else makes any better sense anyway)

aaah....... m feeling better.. atleast everyone knows it.. cant be any worse. hmm