tears started rolling down my cheeks as soon as i took the cab to airport. everything made me look like n awfully pathetic looser...
i did something... i thought i'd never do.. although it dint feel like anything.
i was missing mum.. didi.. keerti.. toshi.. all the great ladies in my life. wondered how they'd've reacted.
2 days later.. today m ok. i have successfully blocked all my thinking hormones. . . or may b jus made peace with'em.
again... while checkin in.. i felt little happy yet hated the fact that i was alone. :(
security took away my yellow lighter that belonged to keerti once. :( it was like my lucky charm :(:(
screw the dumb-head airport security. :@:@
m moving on.. in huge leaps... over the whole concept of romantic love. i shud put my big brains into something more.. generic now. ha ha... something that's not unfair.
i shud sleep now.
missing keerti a lot these days.........
May 31, 2010
May 16, 2010
emotionally SORTED. . M i?
Felt so blank and dead today while smoking. . Not even worried. Like. . All the times before this. . I was still upset cause i had no energy to fight for my happiness.
M not feelin good :( but m feelin proud for being able to handle this. . Its a negative feeling. I've never wanted myself to b like this. . But this is the need to survive.
Piyush will probably get through with this as his intoxication goes down tonight. . His one and a half year long hangover of me will come to an end. M not thinkin of him. M only thinkin bout our love. .
Lukin back, m tryin to recollect what that moment was, when i stopped believing in him. Why is it such a big deal now when he has stopped believing in me. . May b its not an incident. . Its a realisation. It wasnt meant to b so easy this way. . V are 2 different people. . Distance. . phase of life. . Surroundings. . When all of this differ as well, nobody can b blamed.
The Second Light Post: after the one in dell. . Yes, it is my life's second. (;) whatever that can possibly mean). Yesterday, the flickering light of that pole was teasing my eyes. . From a perfect angle. When i tried to catch it. . It kept me mesmerised for quite some time. I was listenin to 'our playlist'. I wondered how could a bulb do that. . Everytime i was able to catch some direct lite from behind the leaves of wind for a stretch of seconds. . Everythin else seemed so dark and gloomy. . And between the noise of traffic and the busy street below my balcony. . I felt being special. It seemed like magic.
V all are jus another regular people. . But sometimes. .somethings happen. . Somethings that v want somebody to do for us. . Somethings that v know will makes us feel special. . And it happens. . For everyone. . One day. Some people say 'god was smiling at you' some say 'good deeds paying back'. . . I wanna call it 'magic'. The word is simple and easy to spell n say. All it takes is that u believe in magic. . And suddenly everythin feels right and beautiful. The flickering of light only depended on the weather. . Velocity and direction of the wind. . Degree of freedom of the leaves in between the direct path of the light into my eyes with respect to their branch and each other. . And bla bla. . Yet focusing just on the light for few seconds and appreciating how bright and beautiful it was. . It lift my mood a little. Made me feel satisfied bout. . . whatever is happenin. . Is all but fair.
The belief in magic is what makes magic special.
One has to keep believing in order to protect the magic.
Me n piyush lost our magic :(
i'll never loose mine :'(
M not feelin good :( but m feelin proud for being able to handle this. . Its a negative feeling. I've never wanted myself to b like this. . But this is the need to survive.
Piyush will probably get through with this as his intoxication goes down tonight. . His one and a half year long hangover of me will come to an end. M not thinkin of him. M only thinkin bout our love. .
Lukin back, m tryin to recollect what that moment was, when i stopped believing in him. Why is it such a big deal now when he has stopped believing in me. . May b its not an incident. . Its a realisation. It wasnt meant to b so easy this way. . V are 2 different people. . Distance. . phase of life. . Surroundings. . When all of this differ as well, nobody can b blamed.
The Second Light Post: after the one in dell. . Yes, it is my life's second. (;) whatever that can possibly mean). Yesterday, the flickering light of that pole was teasing my eyes. . From a perfect angle. When i tried to catch it. . It kept me mesmerised for quite some time. I was listenin to 'our playlist'. I wondered how could a bulb do that. . Everytime i was able to catch some direct lite from behind the leaves of wind for a stretch of seconds. . Everythin else seemed so dark and gloomy. . And between the noise of traffic and the busy street below my balcony. . I felt being special. It seemed like magic.
V all are jus another regular people. . But sometimes. .somethings happen. . Somethings that v want somebody to do for us. . Somethings that v know will makes us feel special. . And it happens. . For everyone. . One day. Some people say 'god was smiling at you' some say 'good deeds paying back'. . . I wanna call it 'magic'. The word is simple and easy to spell n say. All it takes is that u believe in magic. . And suddenly everythin feels right and beautiful. The flickering of light only depended on the weather. . Velocity and direction of the wind. . Degree of freedom of the leaves in between the direct path of the light into my eyes with respect to their branch and each other. . And bla bla. . Yet focusing just on the light for few seconds and appreciating how bright and beautiful it was. . It lift my mood a little. Made me feel satisfied bout. . . whatever is happenin. . Is all but fair.
The belief in magic is what makes magic special.
One has to keep believing in order to protect the magic.
Me n piyush lost our magic :(
i'll never loose mine :'(
May 8, 2010
Restless @ 5:30 am **
I dunno why it is. . It isnt a new phenomena although. It has happened everytime i was stressed with relationship issues. Urghh. . Out of all the people i know. . I myself m the most hopelessly relationship-tormented person.
What's new is that very recently i had started feelin mature n practical bout it. I HAD started feelin under control. . But i dunno what's it today suddenly.
Dad's gettin old. . Still workin. . Didi's jobless. . V've had no savings AND yet v all have a particular life style of our own to support. Suddenly its all lukin typically pathetic.
And the reason why m sleepless. . I dunno. It mite jus b my awefully tight fuckin levi's jeans. :-@
M so restless. . Like. . . I 've to change somethin. It cant b piyush. . It makes absolutely no sense. All that he expects from me is too much to take for me. I know, everyone wud rather believe that i always chose this way. But no. I dint choose a way of endless compromises. There had to b a day of returns. . How cud i jus accept that there was never goin to b such a day. Piyush knows it. . He surely feels it at some level that i needed this day by now. I shud kill myself if he doesnt. :'(
The last time i broke up with him. . Everythin worked fine. Even the 24 hrs rule. But this time its not workin. Why? Why isnt it? All my guts to call him back has itself backed out and left me far ahead. If he hasnt even text me yet. . That means our thing is only diminishing more n more with every passing hour. And m jus standin by and lookin at it dying. :'(
i've to pull myself together. I know its becomin very repeatative. . Yet it has to b done. Sooner or later.
Why is piyush makin me go through this again n again. . Oh wait. I know this one. . Cause he has another girl. What can he do. . EXCEPT BEING egalitarian TOWARDS both of us. Its so stupid and fuckin pure BULLSHIT. :'(
i've BEEN feelin so aimless. My life needs to b sorted out. And the ONLY GOOD thing is THAT. . It still can b.
On one hand, not bein with piyush. . And yet thinkin of being successful. . Even that feels like cheatin on him. So it means only one thing. . Spoiling my life entirely will make us feel good. He will feel that i was with him. [LIKE KILLING THE EMOTIONS WASNT ENOUGH] Of course, he is the guy who prefers goin mentally sick and becoming dependant over standing for his feelings. 'standing-for-his-feelings'?!?. . Who m i kidding. . He dint do it when i was there. . Why wud he do it now when m not even there. What m i to him. . So much. . As much as so many other "so-much's". . :'(
ya. . I shud've seen this coming. . It was my fault to b 'accomodating' at the first place. . Or may b he was jus the wrong guy for me. Well how does that matter. . Once feelings felt up. . Are as good as gone. The same feeling that he quantifies in terms of money. How come i dint see that too. . :'( how blinded was i?? Completely? C'mon. . It was the best thing. .
. . . . . . Looks like. . Here begins my dreadful life of PRETENTIONS. Hmm. . :'(
What's new is that very recently i had started feelin mature n practical bout it. I HAD started feelin under control. . But i dunno what's it today suddenly.
Dad's gettin old. . Still workin. . Didi's jobless. . V've had no savings AND yet v all have a particular life style of our own to support. Suddenly its all lukin typically pathetic.
And the reason why m sleepless. . I dunno. It mite jus b my awefully tight fuckin levi's jeans. :-@
M so restless. . Like. . . I 've to change somethin. It cant b piyush. . It makes absolutely no sense. All that he expects from me is too much to take for me. I know, everyone wud rather believe that i always chose this way. But no. I dint choose a way of endless compromises. There had to b a day of returns. . How cud i jus accept that there was never goin to b such a day. Piyush knows it. . He surely feels it at some level that i needed this day by now. I shud kill myself if he doesnt. :'(
The last time i broke up with him. . Everythin worked fine. Even the 24 hrs rule. But this time its not workin. Why? Why isnt it? All my guts to call him back has itself backed out and left me far ahead. If he hasnt even text me yet. . That means our thing is only diminishing more n more with every passing hour. And m jus standin by and lookin at it dying. :'(
i've to pull myself together. I know its becomin very repeatative. . Yet it has to b done. Sooner or later.
Why is piyush makin me go through this again n again. . Oh wait. I know this one. . Cause he has another girl. What can he do. . EXCEPT BEING egalitarian TOWARDS both of us. Its so stupid and fuckin pure BULLSHIT. :'(
i've BEEN feelin so aimless. My life needs to b sorted out. And the ONLY GOOD thing is THAT. . It still can b.
On one hand, not bein with piyush. . And yet thinkin of being successful. . Even that feels like cheatin on him. So it means only one thing. . Spoiling my life entirely will make us feel good. He will feel that i was with him. [LIKE KILLING THE EMOTIONS WASNT ENOUGH] Of course, he is the guy who prefers goin mentally sick and becoming dependant over standing for his feelings. 'standing-for-his-feelings'?!?. . Who m i kidding. . He dint do it when i was there. . Why wud he do it now when m not even there. What m i to him. . So much. . As much as so many other "so-much's". . :'(
ya. . I shud've seen this coming. . It was my fault to b 'accomodating' at the first place. . Or may b he was jus the wrong guy for me. Well how does that matter. . Once feelings felt up. . Are as good as gone. The same feeling that he quantifies in terms of money. How come i dint see that too. . :'( how blinded was i?? Completely? C'mon. . It was the best thing. .
. . . . . . Looks like. . Here begins my dreadful life of PRETENTIONS. Hmm. . :'(
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