Key rings. . 'We'

I'd been watchin a lot of frens* these days. . It works like a tranquilizer when m upset. And m on n overdose ever since i managed to copy all of it into my comp. . Piyush sent me key rings today. . It has our pictures in it. I was bit against its high price at first (at times i jus cant get help but find mistakes. . Disgusting) but now. . M likin it. There are reasons to it. . Piyu was really happy to know that i liked it, at the first place. And now. . M happy cause m thinkin bout us. Jus wonderin. . How easy it was if mummy was bit more acceptin bout most of the things, like this. How much pleasure it gives to 've urself accepted by someone.
I told piyush today that i wont accept him if he comes here without a divorce. And. . M jus not sure if v again depend on reetika and that helps in future. M pretty sure it wont. . But anyways. . Whatever happens v'll face it na. :'( i mean, ya. . . V'll. Mridul later said that its ok to go for a live-in. Cause that's all that matters. . . Then why dint i feel the same. Where's the love? Why m i scared now? Why m i not confidant. M not like this. I wasnt. I dunno why m i not able to judge him right. . Or Why m i tryin to judge him at all. To go by what i always believed in, once v r together. . Everythin'll b fine. And it sure will. I cant say how it'll work for reetika though. M too selfish to take any kinda risks here. And for the time being. . I've to tell the what i really feel. . And that is. . Piyush is hurting me :'(

5 am

Sounds pathetic. . But. . How come It always meant so much to me. I know. . M sure. He'd b thinkin of me right now. Free from work. . Wife. . Break time. His Auro-time. Phh. . . I so much. . baby-d him all this while. Made myself AVAILABLE. Why. . Why the hell it doesnt mean anythin. . Why the hell is it stupid. . And why the hell m i sayin it here. . Only to laugh at it 2moro. Though, even 2moro i wont've answers to this. Yet v all would say 'this-is-how-it-always-happens'. Grhh. . How 'll i explain it to my kids? What the hell went wrong? :'(
i'll keep on tryin to tell myself. . Over n over again. . That its good for me. Then why the hell m i not likin it. M not lettin it cause any good to me. . Hufff! :(
it was supposed to b comfortable. . Not casual. I don've it anywhere anymore now. And even worse is, m gettin used to it. No, that's not what i want. I do want a relationship. Not the left over hurt n anguish bloody every fuckin time. Is nt there any Fuckin point? All these people are coward to always do what seems easy in the society. . And turns out, that its smart too. . It works for them. NOT FOR ME. . NOT IN THIS CASE :-@:-@ . . . . . . :'(
fUCK OFF. . Give it a BREAK :'( zzz. .

3:pm

another day that i have to start n live... i cudnt feel more of denial in me. thankfully ke's sending mails these days... checking my mailbox every hour is little less painful now.

This is so the same. . Same blanket. . Same bed by the window side. . Chilly breeze comin in. . And the same song. I feel it there inside me. . Its always gonna be there. There's perhaps no reason it'll never die. :'( if i carry it along. . There'll b only more n more pain attached to it. Why do i still wanna go on with this. . :'(
its like music. . I cannot get over it :'( never. It'll always mean the same. :'(
" keh bhi de keh bhi de dil mein tere hai jo chhupa. . khwahish hai jo teri. . . . Rakh nahin rakh nahin pardah koi mujhse ae jaan. . Karle tu mera yakeen. . . . Main chahoon. . . . . . . . . . . . . "

and later in my morning.. (practically afternoon)

Woke up to the surprise that piyush has finally changed all his passwords.... took away the ultimate right i had on his life. Goooood. Good for him. why on the earth would he take nagging for somebody who's...... somebody who's me. urgh............. why do i always realise it when its already too late. phew!! :'(
So there's another guy i met on earth who proves me a complete looser.... all over again.
There cannot be any belief left in me.. that i would like to believe in now. [uh. ke'.. get off my mind.. lemme face it..]
k fine.. ke'... this is what i have to say... may be he wasnt worth all this pain.. but the quesion in my mind is, m i not worth a single successful thing in my life... in spit of all the effort??? damn it!!
:'(

A dawn at this time. .

Had been watchin piyush come online n go away and again comin online. . Had nothin to say. Cause almost everythin was said n done. . No no. . Was Done n said much earlier last nite. In fact, i cud see both him n reetika takin breaks together. Oh, what a pathetic situation m in. .
In spite of havin a plan in place i ended up wasting the whole night waiting for somethin stupid to happen again. . And watchin 12 episodes of frens. Plus the spider solitaire n other wasteful activities. What the hell m i upto. . Hell! i practically know where is leads every fuckin time.
M lukin at one of the rare mornings i get to see here. . Specially in these years of my life, its all so spoilt. .
Emotionally. And consequently. . Every-other-'ly'. . :'(
i soooo don wanna be here. . Piyush, if u read it? Then mind it. . I jus don wanna b here anymore. . :( i want a normal life. . That makes sense to me. . :'( and i'll do it. U'll see. :'(