Show me the meanin of being lonely....

this is a decade old song...........
it always appealed to me...

"Tu. . Bin bataye. .

Mujhe le chal kahin. ."
When this song had released. . That was a time when i was desperate to experience love in my life. . Yr 2006. . I don even believe if my feelings were ever so strong then. It was a horribly wrong decision to get into a relationship at that time. I had pushed myself so much into it. . That it only defeated my mind some more.

" Mann. . Ki gali. . Tu phuharon si aa. . . . bheeg jaye mere. . khwabon ka kafila. . "
i could imagine these things between other couples more that i could ever feel for gautam. . And while i used to listen to it, i couldnt even remotely imagine him there. It should have been, but it wasnt. :'(
That guy who i could see with this rythm. . Who i always wanted in my life. . Ever since then. . After hurtin myself bad enough, only to know how the presence of true feelings differ from the desire to have them. . . He came much later. He still is there. . . . . I guess. :'(
"jahan hai. . Teri bahein. . Mera sahil wahin. ."
today. . Its a thousand times much critical situation. I couldnt believe in such a twisi in my luck. . :'( He came. . So close. . . . . .
M doing somethin totally against what i really wanna do. No, this's not bout my career this time. Its bout my love too. . now onwards. . :'(
"jise tu. . gungunaye. . Meri dhunn hai wahi. . "
. . . . . .

Key rings. . 'We'

I'd been watchin a lot of frens* these days. . It works like a tranquilizer when m upset. And m on n overdose ever since i managed to copy all of it into my comp. . Piyush sent me key rings today. . It has our pictures in it. I was bit against its high price at first (at times i jus cant get help but find mistakes. . Disgusting) but now. . M likin it. There are reasons to it. . Piyu was really happy to know that i liked it, at the first place. And now. . M happy cause m thinkin bout us. Jus wonderin. . How easy it was if mummy was bit more acceptin bout most of the things, like this. How much pleasure it gives to 've urself accepted by someone.
I told piyush today that i wont accept him if he comes here without a divorce. And. . M jus not sure if v again depend on reetika and that helps in future. M pretty sure it wont. . But anyways. . Whatever happens v'll face it na. :'( i mean, ya. . . V'll. Mridul later said that its ok to go for a live-in. Cause that's all that matters. . . Then why dint i feel the same. Where's the love? Why m i scared now? Why m i not confidant. M not like this. I wasnt. I dunno why m i not able to judge him right. . Or Why m i tryin to judge him at all. To go by what i always believed in, once v r together. . Everythin'll b fine. And it sure will. I cant say how it'll work for reetika though. M too selfish to take any kinda risks here. And for the time being. . I've to tell the what i really feel. . And that is. . Piyush is hurting me :'(

5 am

Sounds pathetic. . But. . How come It always meant so much to me. I know. . M sure. He'd b thinkin of me right now. Free from work. . Wife. . Break time. His Auro-time. Phh. . . I so much. . baby-d him all this while. Made myself AVAILABLE. Why. . Why the hell it doesnt mean anythin. . Why the hell is it stupid. . And why the hell m i sayin it here. . Only to laugh at it 2moro. Though, even 2moro i wont've answers to this. Yet v all would say 'this-is-how-it-always-happens'. Grhh. . How 'll i explain it to my kids? What the hell went wrong? :'(
i'll keep on tryin to tell myself. . Over n over again. . That its good for me. Then why the hell m i not likin it. M not lettin it cause any good to me. . Hufff! :(
it was supposed to b comfortable. . Not casual. I don've it anywhere anymore now. And even worse is, m gettin used to it. No, that's not what i want. I do want a relationship. Not the left over hurt n anguish bloody every fuckin time. Is nt there any Fuckin point? All these people are coward to always do what seems easy in the society. . And turns out, that its smart too. . It works for them. NOT FOR ME. . NOT IN THIS CASE :-@:-@ . . . . . . :'(
fUCK OFF. . Give it a BREAK :'( zzz. .

3:pm

another day that i have to start n live... i cudnt feel more of denial in me. thankfully ke's sending mails these days... checking my mailbox every hour is little less painful now.

This is so the same. . Same blanket. . Same bed by the window side. . Chilly breeze comin in. . And the same song. I feel it there inside me. . Its always gonna be there. There's perhaps no reason it'll never die. :'( if i carry it along. . There'll b only more n more pain attached to it. Why do i still wanna go on with this. . :'(
its like music. . I cannot get over it :'( never. It'll always mean the same. :'(
" keh bhi de keh bhi de dil mein tere hai jo chhupa. . khwahish hai jo teri. . . . Rakh nahin rakh nahin pardah koi mujhse ae jaan. . Karle tu mera yakeen. . . . Main chahoon. . . . . . . . . . . . . "

and later in my morning.. (practically afternoon)

Woke up to the surprise that piyush has finally changed all his passwords.... took away the ultimate right i had on his life. Goooood. Good for him. why on the earth would he take nagging for somebody who's...... somebody who's me. urgh............. why do i always realise it when its already too late. phew!! :'(
So there's another guy i met on earth who proves me a complete looser.... all over again.
There cannot be any belief left in me.. that i would like to believe in now. [uh. ke'.. get off my mind.. lemme face it..]
k fine.. ke'... this is what i have to say... may be he wasnt worth all this pain.. but the quesion in my mind is, m i not worth a single successful thing in my life... in spit of all the effort??? damn it!!
:'(

A dawn at this time. .

Had been watchin piyush come online n go away and again comin online. . Had nothin to say. Cause almost everythin was said n done. . No no. . Was Done n said much earlier last nite. In fact, i cud see both him n reetika takin breaks together. Oh, what a pathetic situation m in. .
In spite of havin a plan in place i ended up wasting the whole night waiting for somethin stupid to happen again. . And watchin 12 episodes of frens. Plus the spider solitaire n other wasteful activities. What the hell m i upto. . Hell! i practically know where is leads every fuckin time.
M lukin at one of the rare mornings i get to see here. . Specially in these years of my life, its all so spoilt. .
Emotionally. And consequently. . Every-other-'ly'. . :'(
i soooo don wanna be here. . Piyush, if u read it? Then mind it. . I jus don wanna b here anymore. . :( i want a normal life. . That makes sense to me. . :'( and i'll do it. U'll see. :'(

Life of a Giant. .

Was observing priyanka. . My first roommate here at SIMS. A petite, tidy, skillfully disciplined, doctor's lad. She does things quite fast. . Which is totally opposite to her personality. And everythin is done so neatly. . Doesnt even look as if any efforts were made. For example, i'll take 5 seconds to judge the amount of cream to be taken n applied. . She'd be done with the whole thing in jus 2 seconds. Though, she'll calmly message it through. My point is, she doesnt take time to decide such things. I remember the first day in the hostel. . She took jus bout half n hour to un-pack all her stuff. . Where as i took 3 n half or so. . Its not even that i had any better amount of stuff or anythin. It all appears to be so tactful. What to eat, when to buy, what to buy. . Everythin is so much in place. . Its irritatin. . Rather jealousy inspiring. Perhaps, today i jus got over this difference between us and decided to write.
She sleeps. . I dunno how. Like a feather i guess. Whereas i keep twistin and rollin for half the night tryin to figure out my comfortable position. My pillow is squeezed umpteen folds every night, whereas hers has jus one little small concavity. . Or not even that. Its almost like n unused pillow. . gawd! Is it jus my weight?
Duh. . I feel like a giant of my childhood stories. . Who is jus huge, uncivilized, reckless. . . And lives n waits for the prey. . lazily. . Yet with n attitude. Huh

. . . . . ..

I want a simple emotional life. . Simple. Very simply. . Happy - happy. . sad - sad. . I jus want it very simple. . Nothin like adjustin feelings as per ur level of understandin about a necessarily bad situation. . Its the silliest thing that i've done to myself. Its an ever failing attempt. . There's jus no point in cheatin ur inner self. Phh. . M tired of pretendin. Its Too much. .
I always knew that maturity is only pretentious. Hence proved. The more efficiently u pretendin stuff, the more mature u appear. And the more often u do this, the more it grows inside u. In my case, its only another stupid stranger that i see growing inside me.
Oh. . . :'(
i cant deal with myself. . This is a total failure. I cannot understand my mind. . Hence. . . being, significance, relevance, importance. . Nothing.
Why does it feel like walkin miles on a wrong path. . Only after covering those significant no. of miles. . I cant stop wondering. . I cant take my eyes off the past. . . . .

waiting for a nervousbreakdown..

thats what it means i guess... when even watchin friends doesnt cheer you up... it makes you LAUGH.. but the STRESS doesnt go away at all...

there are like hundreds of impending issues i need to do something about.. but don even feel like starting..

jus read ke's blog.. she's left her job and waiting for SIMS(god forbid) to happen to her... m sure she must have by now well understood that we are not supposed to leave a job unless we have another. i learnt that too.. the same way that she she did.... but here's where my painful story joins in... she at least had a happy life to look back into... and me??? ha ha.. i've always managed to hold up the most painful things. and still dunno weather its ever gonna pay back.. have to decide specialisation in next 2 days.. and i've not even been able to figure out why m doin this pg course...

spoke to jubin yesterday.. after a long time.. no, its not comforting anymore.. he has started sounding like a stranger too.. :'( really bad. talked bout how parents and there expectation get so damn critical to handle one day.. and .. here i am.. dying to own up totally different parents.. that too as in-laws. for a while felt that, at least mum-dad are muchhh cool-er than what all the others appear to be... but who knows.. that mite jus be another thing i like sayin and believing.. cant even remember when was the last time i lived up to that belief..

gawd!! this is a typical indian inferiority syndrome i guess.. we jus never love ourselves .... and put all our energies in becoming something else..... and people like me.. don even know what we're trying to become.

i don wanna settle down... thats too much to be expected i guess.. all i want is someone to stand besides me in this lost journey.. throughout.. every second.

...urghhhhh.. 'll die of this hysteria that has suddenly grown inside me... and its quite huge.. how many times m i gonna suppress it before it jus blows up.. and i dunno what all it'll affect.

m frustrated.. utterly... frustrated .. and these days... these are very small things that frustrate me..... so muchh... i really go crazy. m loosing my mind at every little .. tiny.. minutest possible difference i have with him. its so bloody damn irritating. and this skews my mind. centimeter by centimeter.... with every such small issue. making it demented.

ya... m being extremely reactive right now. and i like it being like that. its better than being on neither of the sides.... but i wont stick to this either long enough that it possibly gives me a relief. cause m scared..... of what? being myself?

my highly complicated situation is also very usual.. but what makes it highly dreadful is the fact that m on the other side. where there is no clean white solution.

my water bottle has got some fungus over it.. but i'll still drink. ........................

things wud've been muchh different if i were a little less lazy..

alrite... m gonna go back.. and again pretend to be all fine with this constantly increasing skewness inside me................ managing to still be nice to .......... not everyone

cheers ;)

Diwali................ A Festival of Lights..

Hey... ;)
This is the n-th time i thought of writing... but actually the first time m doin it....thankfully dint give it another thought.. else i'd still 've been playing farmtown. (fragment... looks like.... needs grammatical reconsideration)
i made a loosers decision... (this kind! after a long time). dint apply for the marketing summers with mtv... MTV.. the most glamorous thingi i know since childhood. yes.. the same one.. blah!!
i feel as if.. i cant forgive myself.. :'( :'(
CANNOT FORGIVE MYSELF... that best describes my exact feeling.....
in fact... this bad shape m in... i cant forgive myself for that also.... and the timing is so right to spoil the last hope of my career. so..
KNOWING THIS... what the heck m i doin.. Simply Nothin!!
Lets do a quick check-
age- 22y,8m,1d,13h..........
parents - do not trust, highly tensed and above all regularly bothered directly or indirectly
career- no one knows
emotional status - 65% sad and disturbed........ 22 % lost...... 13 % doesnt exist
(after all this... nothin else makes any better sense anyway)

aaah....... m feeling better.. atleast everyone knows it.. cant be any worse. hmm

grh... ha ha

ke's blog that i read last nite actually inpired me to come here.. this time...

i was even tryin to change the template color to black.. like hers.. but anyways... this is the only pink thing i have in my life... also cant find that black template.. ya...

this is not really a justified time to write... m sitting in the coucli office... lookin for some work... that will gimme a shelter against my extremely low attendance....

i really want that i get time... yes.. m considering that time n space i get when m in a sound state of mind... that i really rarely m.... and then i could write.... fuck it!!

something's wrong with me.. really :(

hip hip hurray!!

I saw the first of this television serial that used to be my favourite when i was in school.... filled my with lot of nostalgia.... life was so much less complicated when we were in school.. things were easy to understand and comprehend..

feels like.. these were those things.. that were taught to us.. but gradually we have forgotten it.. or may be it has lost its importance somewhere... but still.. its so nice to refresh those little things we leart then..

vinay pathak.. and suchitra pillai played most influencial teacher then.. may b thats why they're still in my favourites.. m missing my school.. my teachers... my buddies.... i know how change of school was so obvious n i wud happily adapt to a new school with n open heart....  being vulnerable to the right things... being confident about my background.. my roots... sometimes.. it looks like it was muchh better to not know the world this way.... its so rightly said "the best times of ones life is always past" or... its jus that we don let go of past so happily....

i so wanna b the same person.. the same heart n soul again.... :(