yesterday was a kinda high-tide day in my head.... cause day before was cool. i had jus started to feel that i had reached 'average' when..... someone said i made a wrong decision..AGAIN. :(
i hate it when they seem to be bothered like this. i know, m not supposed to make everyone happy... but i cant b making everyone sad all the time either.
hmm... m hearing these words after a long time. may be it doesn't even matter to them so much and m just over perceiving it. the point is... when and why does 'the placement' get sooo very important. and the conditions to it. OMG :(
by now, i've wasted almost 2.5 days... wondering and doing nothing. infected mushrooms help a little while i write... after a huge round of back-to-back Sex and the City episodes..
i wonder how all this keeps going round and round... remarkably in past five years... it has been the same more or less. :-/
Dec 19, 2010
Oct 6, 2010
shit it is
m sorry.... this blog'll never become a happy blog. cause i 've to come here whenever i feel shitty... thats bout it..
this is my grievance box. :(
i snogged a fren... in fact.. pretty much more than that. what was i thinkin..... he was jus another smooth talker (most probably as it seems now)
but whatever it was.... i sympathize immensely with his medical condition. and obviously liked whatever he had to say bout me.
for vasu, m the dick head... who jus manages to goof up maximum no. of times any given day. so... or whatever the reason is.. cant talk to her rite now.. n m so angry at myself at this time cause i cant get my mind outta it. jus having 2 people around me.. and knowing.. no.. wait.. believing that they'll be there for me makes me so freakin happy n gay. phhhh.... and now m jus dependant and a loser
ok ok.. gtg
kal exam hai
god.. screw shanky :P:P
this is my grievance box. :(
i snogged a fren... in fact.. pretty much more than that. what was i thinkin..... he was jus another smooth talker (most probably as it seems now)
but whatever it was.... i sympathize immensely with his medical condition. and obviously liked whatever he had to say bout me.
for vasu, m the dick head... who jus manages to goof up maximum no. of times any given day. so... or whatever the reason is.. cant talk to her rite now.. n m so angry at myself at this time cause i cant get my mind outta it. jus having 2 people around me.. and knowing.. no.. wait.. believing that they'll be there for me makes me so freakin happy n gay. phhhh.... and now m jus dependant and a loser
ok ok.. gtg
kal exam hai
god.. screw shanky :P:P
Oct 2, 2010
piyush..
it was ur b'day yesterday...
m sure u missed me. i dint.... all that i missed was that belief we had on each other.
m sure u missed me. i dint.... all that i missed was that belief we had on each other.
Jun 25, 2010
Dil tog bachaa hai ji. .
Absolutely. . And mine is a major cry baby. :'( :)
not bein too famous on fb n twitter makes me sad :( :( . . Like so many other things so often. .
Dil is irrational. . No matter how hard u try. . No matter how much u explain. . No matter how sincerely you pretend and practice. . No matter how desperate your decision is. . It'll always have its own unreasonable desires. . Fantasies. . And the destiny of that painful path.
I'm a person who've struggled to bring his heart and mind at peace with each other. . I gave the lead to my heart. . And made my mind to support it like a vice minister. My mind has been sincere towards the duty i assigned to it. . But . . .
Dil toh bachaa hai ji. . .
not bein too famous on fb n twitter makes me sad :( :( . . Like so many other things so often. .
Dil is irrational. . No matter how hard u try. . No matter how much u explain. . No matter how sincerely you pretend and practice. . No matter how desperate your decision is. . It'll always have its own unreasonable desires. . Fantasies. . And the destiny of that painful path.
I'm a person who've struggled to bring his heart and mind at peace with each other. . I gave the lead to my heart. . And made my mind to support it like a vice minister. My mind has been sincere towards the duty i assigned to it. . But . . .
Dil toh bachaa hai ji. . .
May 31, 2010
devi ahilya holkar airport
tears started rolling down my cheeks as soon as i took the cab to airport. everything made me look like n awfully pathetic looser...
i did something... i thought i'd never do.. although it dint feel like anything.
i was missing mum.. didi.. keerti.. toshi.. all the great ladies in my life. wondered how they'd've reacted.
2 days later.. today m ok. i have successfully blocked all my thinking hormones. . . or may b jus made peace with'em.
again... while checkin in.. i felt little happy yet hated the fact that i was alone. :(
security took away my yellow lighter that belonged to keerti once. :( it was like my lucky charm :(:(
screw the dumb-head airport security. :@:@
m moving on.. in huge leaps... over the whole concept of romantic love. i shud put my big brains into something more.. generic now. ha ha... something that's not unfair.
i shud sleep now.
missing keerti a lot these days.........
i did something... i thought i'd never do.. although it dint feel like anything.
i was missing mum.. didi.. keerti.. toshi.. all the great ladies in my life. wondered how they'd've reacted.
2 days later.. today m ok. i have successfully blocked all my thinking hormones. . . or may b jus made peace with'em.
again... while checkin in.. i felt little happy yet hated the fact that i was alone. :(
security took away my yellow lighter that belonged to keerti once. :( it was like my lucky charm :(:(
screw the dumb-head airport security. :@:@
m moving on.. in huge leaps... over the whole concept of romantic love. i shud put my big brains into something more.. generic now. ha ha... something that's not unfair.
i shud sleep now.
missing keerti a lot these days.........
May 16, 2010
emotionally SORTED. . M i?
Felt so blank and dead today while smoking. . Not even worried. Like. . All the times before this. . I was still upset cause i had no energy to fight for my happiness.
M not feelin good :( but m feelin proud for being able to handle this. . Its a negative feeling. I've never wanted myself to b like this. . But this is the need to survive.
Piyush will probably get through with this as his intoxication goes down tonight. . His one and a half year long hangover of me will come to an end. M not thinkin of him. M only thinkin bout our love. .
Lukin back, m tryin to recollect what that moment was, when i stopped believing in him. Why is it such a big deal now when he has stopped believing in me. . May b its not an incident. . Its a realisation. It wasnt meant to b so easy this way. . V are 2 different people. . Distance. . phase of life. . Surroundings. . When all of this differ as well, nobody can b blamed.
The Second Light Post: after the one in dell. . Yes, it is my life's second. (;) whatever that can possibly mean). Yesterday, the flickering light of that pole was teasing my eyes. . From a perfect angle. When i tried to catch it. . It kept me mesmerised for quite some time. I was listenin to 'our playlist'. I wondered how could a bulb do that. . Everytime i was able to catch some direct lite from behind the leaves of wind for a stretch of seconds. . Everythin else seemed so dark and gloomy. . And between the noise of traffic and the busy street below my balcony. . I felt being special. It seemed like magic.
V all are jus another regular people. . But sometimes. .somethings happen. . Somethings that v want somebody to do for us. . Somethings that v know will makes us feel special. . And it happens. . For everyone. . One day. Some people say 'god was smiling at you' some say 'good deeds paying back'. . . I wanna call it 'magic'. The word is simple and easy to spell n say. All it takes is that u believe in magic. . And suddenly everythin feels right and beautiful. The flickering of light only depended on the weather. . Velocity and direction of the wind. . Degree of freedom of the leaves in between the direct path of the light into my eyes with respect to their branch and each other. . And bla bla. . Yet focusing just on the light for few seconds and appreciating how bright and beautiful it was. . It lift my mood a little. Made me feel satisfied bout. . . whatever is happenin. . Is all but fair.
The belief in magic is what makes magic special.
One has to keep believing in order to protect the magic.
Me n piyush lost our magic :(
i'll never loose mine :'(
M not feelin good :( but m feelin proud for being able to handle this. . Its a negative feeling. I've never wanted myself to b like this. . But this is the need to survive.
Piyush will probably get through with this as his intoxication goes down tonight. . His one and a half year long hangover of me will come to an end. M not thinkin of him. M only thinkin bout our love. .
Lukin back, m tryin to recollect what that moment was, when i stopped believing in him. Why is it such a big deal now when he has stopped believing in me. . May b its not an incident. . Its a realisation. It wasnt meant to b so easy this way. . V are 2 different people. . Distance. . phase of life. . Surroundings. . When all of this differ as well, nobody can b blamed.
The Second Light Post: after the one in dell. . Yes, it is my life's second. (;) whatever that can possibly mean). Yesterday, the flickering light of that pole was teasing my eyes. . From a perfect angle. When i tried to catch it. . It kept me mesmerised for quite some time. I was listenin to 'our playlist'. I wondered how could a bulb do that. . Everytime i was able to catch some direct lite from behind the leaves of wind for a stretch of seconds. . Everythin else seemed so dark and gloomy. . And between the noise of traffic and the busy street below my balcony. . I felt being special. It seemed like magic.
V all are jus another regular people. . But sometimes. .somethings happen. . Somethings that v want somebody to do for us. . Somethings that v know will makes us feel special. . And it happens. . For everyone. . One day. Some people say 'god was smiling at you' some say 'good deeds paying back'. . . I wanna call it 'magic'. The word is simple and easy to spell n say. All it takes is that u believe in magic. . And suddenly everythin feels right and beautiful. The flickering of light only depended on the weather. . Velocity and direction of the wind. . Degree of freedom of the leaves in between the direct path of the light into my eyes with respect to their branch and each other. . And bla bla. . Yet focusing just on the light for few seconds and appreciating how bright and beautiful it was. . It lift my mood a little. Made me feel satisfied bout. . . whatever is happenin. . Is all but fair.
The belief in magic is what makes magic special.
One has to keep believing in order to protect the magic.
Me n piyush lost our magic :(
i'll never loose mine :'(
May 8, 2010
Restless @ 5:30 am **
I dunno why it is. . It isnt a new phenomena although. It has happened everytime i was stressed with relationship issues. Urghh. . Out of all the people i know. . I myself m the most hopelessly relationship-tormented person.
What's new is that very recently i had started feelin mature n practical bout it. I HAD started feelin under control. . But i dunno what's it today suddenly.
Dad's gettin old. . Still workin. . Didi's jobless. . V've had no savings AND yet v all have a particular life style of our own to support. Suddenly its all lukin typically pathetic.
And the reason why m sleepless. . I dunno. It mite jus b my awefully tight fuckin levi's jeans. :-@
M so restless. . Like. . . I 've to change somethin. It cant b piyush. . It makes absolutely no sense. All that he expects from me is too much to take for me. I know, everyone wud rather believe that i always chose this way. But no. I dint choose a way of endless compromises. There had to b a day of returns. . How cud i jus accept that there was never goin to b such a day. Piyush knows it. . He surely feels it at some level that i needed this day by now. I shud kill myself if he doesnt. :'(
The last time i broke up with him. . Everythin worked fine. Even the 24 hrs rule. But this time its not workin. Why? Why isnt it? All my guts to call him back has itself backed out and left me far ahead. If he hasnt even text me yet. . That means our thing is only diminishing more n more with every passing hour. And m jus standin by and lookin at it dying. :'(
i've to pull myself together. I know its becomin very repeatative. . Yet it has to b done. Sooner or later.
Why is piyush makin me go through this again n again. . Oh wait. I know this one. . Cause he has another girl. What can he do. . EXCEPT BEING egalitarian TOWARDS both of us. Its so stupid and fuckin pure BULLSHIT. :'(
i've BEEN feelin so aimless. My life needs to b sorted out. And the ONLY GOOD thing is THAT. . It still can b.
On one hand, not bein with piyush. . And yet thinkin of being successful. . Even that feels like cheatin on him. So it means only one thing. . Spoiling my life entirely will make us feel good. He will feel that i was with him. [LIKE KILLING THE EMOTIONS WASNT ENOUGH] Of course, he is the guy who prefers goin mentally sick and becoming dependant over standing for his feelings. 'standing-for-his-feelings'?!?. . Who m i kidding. . He dint do it when i was there. . Why wud he do it now when m not even there. What m i to him. . So much. . As much as so many other "so-much's". . :'(
ya. . I shud've seen this coming. . It was my fault to b 'accomodating' at the first place. . Or may b he was jus the wrong guy for me. Well how does that matter. . Once feelings felt up. . Are as good as gone. The same feeling that he quantifies in terms of money. How come i dint see that too. . :'( how blinded was i?? Completely? C'mon. . It was the best thing. .
. . . . . . Looks like. . Here begins my dreadful life of PRETENTIONS. Hmm. . :'(
What's new is that very recently i had started feelin mature n practical bout it. I HAD started feelin under control. . But i dunno what's it today suddenly.
Dad's gettin old. . Still workin. . Didi's jobless. . V've had no savings AND yet v all have a particular life style of our own to support. Suddenly its all lukin typically pathetic.
And the reason why m sleepless. . I dunno. It mite jus b my awefully tight fuckin levi's jeans. :-@
M so restless. . Like. . . I 've to change somethin. It cant b piyush. . It makes absolutely no sense. All that he expects from me is too much to take for me. I know, everyone wud rather believe that i always chose this way. But no. I dint choose a way of endless compromises. There had to b a day of returns. . How cud i jus accept that there was never goin to b such a day. Piyush knows it. . He surely feels it at some level that i needed this day by now. I shud kill myself if he doesnt. :'(
The last time i broke up with him. . Everythin worked fine. Even the 24 hrs rule. But this time its not workin. Why? Why isnt it? All my guts to call him back has itself backed out and left me far ahead. If he hasnt even text me yet. . That means our thing is only diminishing more n more with every passing hour. And m jus standin by and lookin at it dying. :'(
i've to pull myself together. I know its becomin very repeatative. . Yet it has to b done. Sooner or later.
Why is piyush makin me go through this again n again. . Oh wait. I know this one. . Cause he has another girl. What can he do. . EXCEPT BEING egalitarian TOWARDS both of us. Its so stupid and fuckin pure BULLSHIT. :'(
i've BEEN feelin so aimless. My life needs to b sorted out. And the ONLY GOOD thing is THAT. . It still can b.
On one hand, not bein with piyush. . And yet thinkin of being successful. . Even that feels like cheatin on him. So it means only one thing. . Spoiling my life entirely will make us feel good. He will feel that i was with him. [LIKE KILLING THE EMOTIONS WASNT ENOUGH] Of course, he is the guy who prefers goin mentally sick and becoming dependant over standing for his feelings. 'standing-for-his-feelings'?!?. . Who m i kidding. . He dint do it when i was there. . Why wud he do it now when m not even there. What m i to him. . So much. . As much as so many other "so-much's". . :'(
ya. . I shud've seen this coming. . It was my fault to b 'accomodating' at the first place. . Or may b he was jus the wrong guy for me. Well how does that matter. . Once feelings felt up. . Are as good as gone. The same feeling that he quantifies in terms of money. How come i dint see that too. . :'( how blinded was i?? Completely? C'mon. . It was the best thing. .
. . . . . . Looks like. . Here begins my dreadful life of PRETENTIONS. Hmm. . :'(
Apr 9, 2010
that phone....
i dunno how n where i lost it... it has only been few hours i realized that its not there.. n m so restless :(
may be it wasnt supposed to go back to any other person.... hmm
perfect ending... to the surreal love -story. bullshit!! its gone :'(
may be it wasnt supposed to go back to any other person.... hmm
perfect ending... to the surreal love -story. bullshit!! its gone :'(
New room. . New life.
It should be. . Cause that can b the only best difference that new room can bring. . C'mon. . Everyone has limited credits.
I see how vastly different people are. And. . Its not difficult to b amongst like people. Yet. . Its too tricky for me.
'Love & Other Disasters' is the best movie i've ever seen. . Loved the movie. . And loved the gay, mathew rhys the most.
How true it is in my life . . I always choose a difficult relationship. And best of frenship. . Only that
zzz. . Zzz
I see how vastly different people are. And. . Its not difficult to b amongst like people. Yet. . Its too tricky for me.
'Love & Other Disasters' is the best movie i've ever seen. . Loved the movie. . And loved the gay, mathew rhys the most.
How true it is in my life . . I always choose a difficult relationship. And best of frenship. . Only that
zzz. . Zzz
Apr 6, 2010
:'( anger. .
M very angry n upset today. . Feeling utterly bitter bout this life. .
:'(
my sister hates me cause i messed up her relationship. . I couldnt hate myself more. . After hating them for the same reason for so long. .
How deeply such small differences can impact. . :'(
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( . . . . . .
'tu hi meri hai sari zameen. . . . Chahe kahin se chaloon. . Tujh pe hi aa ke rukoon. . . . .
Tum mile. . . . :('
. . . . . . . . . . . . :'(
:'(
my sister hates me cause i messed up her relationship. . I couldnt hate myself more. . After hating them for the same reason for so long. .
How deeply such small differences can impact. . :'(
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( . . . . . .
'tu hi meri hai sari zameen. . . . Chahe kahin se chaloon. . Tujh pe hi aa ke rukoon. . . . .
Tum mile. . . . :('
. . . . . . . . . . . . :'(
Apr 5, 2010
# 404
My new room. . Its good. M aclimatized to it after today's evening. I like it.
. . . Fighting with unstablity, still. :'(
browsed through my entire history of guys. . Why does my relationship never last. . :(
or may b now i shud say. . Why do i even care. . Its definitely not meant for me. I shudnt b a part of anythin that has got anythin to do with 'family'.
Today. . Its only Ke' who feels little like my family. But i dunno. . When that mite as well go away. . . . :'(
my Beary is my family. . I kiss her and it gets me so emotional. . every single time and its so good. . :'( Cant even b away from her.
My roommates' indifference depresses me. . How could've i possibly hurt them. . It throws me into a big question mark. On n average. . Weekends' are still the more difficult hours to pass. . Yet i need sedation.
I don wanna screw my backlogs. . But m too scared.
Zzz zzz. . . . Zzz. .
. . . Fighting with unstablity, still. :'(
browsed through my entire history of guys. . Why does my relationship never last. . :(
or may b now i shud say. . Why do i even care. . Its definitely not meant for me. I shudnt b a part of anythin that has got anythin to do with 'family'.
Today. . Its only Ke' who feels little like my family. But i dunno. . When that mite as well go away. . . . :'(
my Beary is my family. . I kiss her and it gets me so emotional. . every single time and its so good. . :'( Cant even b away from her.
My roommates' indifference depresses me. . How could've i possibly hurt them. . It throws me into a big question mark. On n average. . Weekends' are still the more difficult hours to pass. . Yet i need sedation.
I don wanna screw my backlogs. . But m too scared.
Zzz zzz. . . . Zzz. .
Apr 2, 2010
Another Fool's Day
. . . Two years back i totally walked into something i knew, wasnt supposed to b. I knew it then. . Picked up a challenge against the destiny in the next eight months. . And then fought for it for another year n a half. .
Phh. . Wow. My Royalest of Failures.
. . . . . Nothing beats the destiny. Nothing!! :'( there's never a third way. .
Phh. . Wow. My Royalest of Failures.
. . . . . Nothing beats the destiny. Nothing!! :'( there's never a third way. .
Mar 30, 2010
"Lie with Me"
Watchin Porn can never b a solution. . Neither can b a 'smoke'. . No matter what brand- same or different. .
'Laila'- the canadian girl never knew what love is. . . Until her strongest sexual desire himself falls for her. This is a cultural difference. . As per another darn truth that i saw here. This is a reverse path of realisations n revealations of such complicated emotional phenomenas. Some people are sometimes able to connect everythin they experience. . And some people are jus contented with whatever they know n feel in bits n pieces.
Laila believes that men rule the world. How much would she have ever actually rejected the pain that her mere curiousity got her into. She was comfortable jus being a part of that orgasmic feeling. . . In the moment.
All i care to know right now is. . . . . Life could b so easily simplified by accepting smallest of pleasures that could come so handy all the time. Yet. . V reject. For v expect something better to come our way. Or sometimes, even more unfortunately. . V jus don want it anymore. That's not true with me. . I want it & I wont get it. Makes me miserable any which ways. . . .
'REJECT'- that shud b my answer to everything.
I wanna run away. . Jus far far away.
Away from everythin that hurts 'people'. .
Away from my 'unfair' failures. .
:(
i cant b alone on this path anymore. .
So i have to ESCAPE!
'Laila'- the canadian girl never knew what love is. . . Until her strongest sexual desire himself falls for her. This is a cultural difference. . As per another darn truth that i saw here. This is a reverse path of realisations n revealations of such complicated emotional phenomenas. Some people are sometimes able to connect everythin they experience. . And some people are jus contented with whatever they know n feel in bits n pieces.
Laila believes that men rule the world. How much would she have ever actually rejected the pain that her mere curiousity got her into. She was comfortable jus being a part of that orgasmic feeling. . . In the moment.
All i care to know right now is. . . . . Life could b so easily simplified by accepting smallest of pleasures that could come so handy all the time. Yet. . V reject. For v expect something better to come our way. Or sometimes, even more unfortunately. . V jus don want it anymore. That's not true with me. . I want it & I wont get it. Makes me miserable any which ways. . . .
'REJECT'- that shud b my answer to everything.
I wanna run away. . Jus far far away.
Away from everythin that hurts 'people'. .
Away from my 'unfair' failures. .
:(
i cant b alone on this path anymore. .
So i have to ESCAPE!
Mar 29, 2010
"Into the wild. . .
The best movie i watched after 'kung-fu panda'. . It was so . . Calmed me a bit.
'HAPPINESS DOES NOT HAVE TO B IN HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS . . . IT'S EVERYWHERE. . GOD HAS TAKEN CARE OF THAT BY PLACING ALL THESE THINGS AROUND US (THE BEAUTIFUL N WILD "NATURE").
. . . . Yet 'HAPPINESS IS ONLY NICE WHEN IT'S SHARED.
< . . . . . sigh . . . . >
i've always known the truth bout the later. . But . . Somehow. . Right now m in a position where i don wanna believe in that anymore. May b m jus too hurt. I cant imagine a higher level yet. . Hence m not hopin anythin. I cant see it happenin.
With piyush. . . . Not anymore.
:'(
'HAPPINESS DOES NOT HAVE TO B IN HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS . . . IT'S EVERYWHERE. . GOD HAS TAKEN CARE OF THAT BY PLACING ALL THESE THINGS AROUND US (THE BEAUTIFUL N WILD "NATURE").
. . . . Yet 'HAPPINESS IS ONLY NICE WHEN IT'S SHARED.
< . . . . . sigh . . . . >
i've always known the truth bout the later. . But . . Somehow. . Right now m in a position where i don wanna believe in that anymore. May b m jus too hurt. I cant imagine a higher level yet. . Hence m not hopin anythin. I cant see it happenin.
With piyush. . . . Not anymore.
:'(
Mar 25, 2010
Damn sleepy. . . :(
Yeah. . Must sleep now. And this is so not the time to write right now. But anyways. . Few things have been lingerin in my head n i have to get it out.
How come i find it easier to hate my mom. . Why cant i jus simply hate piyush. . Haan. . . . :(
i dunno. Feel so helpless. . (eeau! My t shirt still has holi-eggs smell. . Holi- the festival of colors)
Phh. . Anyways. So. . I feel so helpless. Cause strangely i still feel that i can make his life a lot more beautiful. . But apparently. . Its jus another opinion. There's unfortunately. . No scale that could measure the depth of my feeling. No way i could justify to anybody. Not even piyush now. . :(
may b. . M jus not yet a good enough lover that somebody would accept my love. May b. . M gonna end up becomin a pretentious princess of some bloody hypocrite guy that my mama-maami will choose for me. Think of the distress this will potentially bring. People, who're surely the farthest from my understanding will royally decide my future. . That'll b, m pretty sure, as screwed as it'll b. Huh. . . :'(
i could still run n hide somewhere. . But i don wanna go that way. I wanna b in love exactly the way i was. Pretty darn exactly. . Dot exactly how i was. :( :( Phh. . :( :( :(
i clearly know how this wud work out. . Clearer than anythin else i know on earth. But. . . . . . . It wont jus happen to me :'( . . . . .
I've no way to go now. . Cant believe m sayin this today. But. . For the second time. . . This will b my chosen limit. If i go beyond it. . I'll hinder his worthiness. And i'd never do that.
Hmm. .
Song courtesy: tujhme rab dikhta hai. .
. . Bye
How come i find it easier to hate my mom. . Why cant i jus simply hate piyush. . Haan. . . . :(
i dunno. Feel so helpless. . (eeau! My t shirt still has holi-eggs smell. . Holi- the festival of colors)
Phh. . Anyways. So. . I feel so helpless. Cause strangely i still feel that i can make his life a lot more beautiful. . But apparently. . Its jus another opinion. There's unfortunately. . No scale that could measure the depth of my feeling. No way i could justify to anybody. Not even piyush now. . :(
may b. . M jus not yet a good enough lover that somebody would accept my love. May b. . M gonna end up becomin a pretentious princess of some bloody hypocrite guy that my mama-maami will choose for me. Think of the distress this will potentially bring. People, who're surely the farthest from my understanding will royally decide my future. . That'll b, m pretty sure, as screwed as it'll b. Huh. . . :'(
i could still run n hide somewhere. . But i don wanna go that way. I wanna b in love exactly the way i was. Pretty darn exactly. . Dot exactly how i was. :( :( Phh. . :( :( :(
i clearly know how this wud work out. . Clearer than anythin else i know on earth. But. . . . . . . It wont jus happen to me :'( . . . . .
I've no way to go now. . Cant believe m sayin this today. But. . For the second time. . . This will b my chosen limit. If i go beyond it. . I'll hinder his worthiness. And i'd never do that.
Hmm. .
Song courtesy: tujhme rab dikhta hai. .
. . Bye
Feb 14, 2010
Happy birthday. .
I have a need to say it to myself. . Or else i'll only realise it when its over. I frankly don know any why in my life. . It sounds cool to me. . But not to any single person apart from me. :(
but this year. . I do wanna do everythin that only belongs to my 'i want' list. . Gawd, is it that how n mba is supposed to sound?? Hmm. . Anyways. . Thats actually a very current n desperate desire. Its been reall long i actually behaved like real me. The real me has never needed anythin more than mum dad n dee. . This sounds uncool. But this is the truth. Yeah. . . . . :(
i wont stop believin in love. . But . . Didi was right. No weakness now. . Please god. Only growth ahead. . Only new stuff everyday. Hmph. . Its ok to wish on my b'day. Isnt it? Hmm
my tears. . Which are pure for sure. . I've got to stop sheddin n wasting them. They shud b precious to myself. . Before anyone else. Hmm. . So today. I'll only do what i want to. . Thoughtfully chosen n decide. This is unme. . But ok. For those whom i love. . Muah. . Hugs. . And deep assuring breaths. :'( i want love :(
gunite
but this year. . I do wanna do everythin that only belongs to my 'i want' list. . Gawd, is it that how n mba is supposed to sound?? Hmm. . Anyways. . Thats actually a very current n desperate desire. Its been reall long i actually behaved like real me. The real me has never needed anythin more than mum dad n dee. . This sounds uncool. But this is the truth. Yeah. . . . . :(
i wont stop believin in love. . But . . Didi was right. No weakness now. . Please god. Only growth ahead. . Only new stuff everyday. Hmph. . Its ok to wish on my b'day. Isnt it? Hmm
my tears. . Which are pure for sure. . I've got to stop sheddin n wasting them. They shud b precious to myself. . Before anyone else. Hmm. . So today. I'll only do what i want to. . Thoughtfully chosen n decide. This is unme. . But ok. For those whom i love. . Muah. . Hugs. . And deep assuring breaths. :'( i want love :(
gunite
Feb 6, 2010
1/3rd cigarette high
. . M tryin to sleep :(
i've tried much harder than this. . Its jus a new level of hopelessness n numbness. . Again
Aaahh. . Feels like. . Somethin inside is burnt. . Partially though. . It cudnt smell better. .
'm gonna make. . It mine. . La la laa laa. . luh la laa. .'
:'( : i wish i cud. . Make u mine bla bla bla bl bluh bla bla. .
How come i think i deserve somethin i dont. . Only considering that at times. . Bla. . I shud b given what a want. . Jus sometimes :( :'(
head achin now. . Uh, what 'll put me to sleep. ??? No . . I don think i wanna know that. Phh. . My result is gonna b out in the morning. Yeahiee :'( m gonna achieve newer depths of shit. Wow. Phh. .
'i don wanna wake. . Before. . I've made u mine. . Oh ohhh'
what rubish!!:-@
i've tried much harder than this. . Its jus a new level of hopelessness n numbness. . Again
Aaahh. . Feels like. . Somethin inside is burnt. . Partially though. . It cudnt smell better. .
'm gonna make. . It mine. . La la laa laa. . luh la laa. .'
:'( : i wish i cud. . Make u mine bla bla bla bl bluh bla bla. .
How come i think i deserve somethin i dont. . Only considering that at times. . Bla. . I shud b given what a want. . Jus sometimes :( :'(
head achin now. . Uh, what 'll put me to sleep. ??? No . . I don think i wanna know that. Phh. . My result is gonna b out in the morning. Yeahiee :'( m gonna achieve newer depths of shit. Wow. Phh. .
'i don wanna wake. . Before. . I've made u mine. . Oh ohhh'
what rubish!!:-@
Jan 24, 2010
Yeah. . My diary is really small. M jus not satisfied yet. . Again. .
Phh. . 'Felici. .' . . Don remember the word. . The taurean blogger guy as i remember it. U know. . How its always nice to find a comment over the blog. And its even better to find another self acclaimed 'looser'. . U know how it feels a little right when everythin else is so darn wrong. Anyways. . After all the fights i've been through. . And that milk-shaked together feelin of humiliation, frustration n desperation. . I've no positive hopes, will or wishes or energy left to respond to the comment. . It doesnt even feel justifiable. . . . . With respect to piyush of course. . ; ;
while vicky bhaiya was talkin. . It meant so much for me. . May b cause i've always taken him as someone special. . May b special feelings jus never die. . They 've this magic in them that are meant to b kept alive.
But everything that i could make use of to save the magic of my love. . Has been taken away from me. I feel jus so hopeless as i AM so helpless :'( :'(
god please give some blessings to piyush. . Help him sort out everythin. . And gimme some sign please. . . . :'(
Phh. . 'Felici. .' . . Don remember the word. . The taurean blogger guy as i remember it. U know. . How its always nice to find a comment over the blog. And its even better to find another self acclaimed 'looser'. . U know how it feels a little right when everythin else is so darn wrong. Anyways. . After all the fights i've been through. . And that milk-shaked together feelin of humiliation, frustration n desperation. . I've no positive hopes, will or wishes or energy left to respond to the comment. . It doesnt even feel justifiable. . . . . With respect to piyush of course. . ; ;
while vicky bhaiya was talkin. . It meant so much for me. . May b cause i've always taken him as someone special. . May b special feelings jus never die. . They 've this magic in them that are meant to b kept alive.
But everything that i could make use of to save the magic of my love. . Has been taken away from me. I feel jus so hopeless as i AM so helpless :'( :'(
god please give some blessings to piyush. . Help him sort out everythin. . And gimme some sign please. . . . :'(
Jan 23, 2010
After hours. .
Even after the diary is done. M not satisfied. . :( there's still a lot untouched. . Untapped. Is my diary a lie? No. . I guess its only cause that one page has to be real brief. . Hmm. . Birthday parties make me feel sick. I dunno why. . My birthday's approachin. . And its more like. . I long obviously sad n pathetic day is awaited. :( why does that only happen to me always.
My stomach was achin the whole day. . Wonder how a handicapped life must be.
Strummin the same tunes on guitar feels so good. . No. . It doesnt feel good. It pains only. . But there's a feelin of completeness even in that pain.
As if. . The dreams. . The breath. . The wetness. . The touch. . The warmth. . The fear of loosing him. . The tear of each joy and each wish. . . . Everythin is blocked dead in ice. Its there. . But it doesnt move :'( doesnt make a sound. . Cant breath. . Cant live. . And it wont b there tomoro :'( :'(
no. . Don do this please. . Whoever is doin it. It wont come back. . Please don go . . :'(
My stomach was achin the whole day. . Wonder how a handicapped life must be.
Strummin the same tunes on guitar feels so good. . No. . It doesnt feel good. It pains only. . But there's a feelin of completeness even in that pain.
As if. . The dreams. . The breath. . The wetness. . The touch. . The warmth. . The fear of loosing him. . The tear of each joy and each wish. . . . Everythin is blocked dead in ice. Its there. . But it doesnt move :'( doesnt make a sound. . Cant breath. . Cant live. . And it wont b there tomoro :'( :'(
no. . Don do this please. . Whoever is doin it. It wont come back. . Please don go . . :'(
Jan 5, 2010
This time last year. .
I was tryin to play one song on guitar. . I remembered those lines exactly. . After a long time. 'yun toh akela bhi aksar. . Gir k sambhal sakta hoon main. . Tum jo pakad lo haath mera. . Duniya badal sakta hoon main. . Manga. . hai tumhe. . Duniya. . K liye. . . . ' hmm. . :( this means so different with open eyes. . :'( it only hurts :'( :'(
only keepin my eyes open hurts so much :'(
. . . I had only heard that people take advantage of your weakness. . Never knew that i'll understand this with a beautifully disguised most terrible experience of my life. .
Everythin makes sense now. . Everythin still hurts more :'(
nothin has changed. . All my hopes n dreams drawn in a blink :'( i cant believe my fate. Cant believe myself :'( :'(
nothin has changed. . Everythin is right there in its place. . Grown more hysteric. . Still laughin at me.
I cant believe my fate. . Damn it. :-@
only keepin my eyes open hurts so much :'(
. . . I had only heard that people take advantage of your weakness. . Never knew that i'll understand this with a beautifully disguised most terrible experience of my life. .
Everythin makes sense now. . Everythin still hurts more :'(
nothin has changed. . All my hopes n dreams drawn in a blink :'( i cant believe my fate. Cant believe myself :'( :'(
nothin has changed. . Everythin is right there in its place. . Grown more hysteric. . Still laughin at me.
I cant believe my fate. . Damn it. :-@
Jan 3, 2010
Rain. .
Damn. . :'(
its this rain. . And this beautiful fragrance of soil. It always inspired me. . At least made me feel better. But at home, with parents and sister like mine. . Everythin can turn wrong in like seconds. .
Why do i have such bad temper with them. . Why m i so opposite. . I dunno if i even wanna sort things out. M jus so insignificant :'( jus sooo insignificant :'( :'( . .
I cant see a future. . Its pretty much obvious to not expect anythin with this kinda life. And m gettin a feeling that i've chosen this life cause its always easy to b on the wrong side. And any which side am on. . Its gotta b wrong. So why bother. . .
I've never felt like being anyone significant. . Things jus cant ever b the way i wan them to be. I've jus never ever mattered enough to anybody. . THAT'S WHAT I FEEL. :-@:-@
That's what makes me this person i am. This feelin of deprivation. . And a strong need to b that 'someone significant' for someone. . Almost desperate. . N FRUITLESS
:'( I've failed. . Miserably FAILED :'( :'(
its this rain. . And this beautiful fragrance of soil. It always inspired me. . At least made me feel better. But at home, with parents and sister like mine. . Everythin can turn wrong in like seconds. .
Why do i have such bad temper with them. . Why m i so opposite. . I dunno if i even wanna sort things out. M jus so insignificant :'( jus sooo insignificant :'( :'( . .
I cant see a future. . Its pretty much obvious to not expect anythin with this kinda life. And m gettin a feeling that i've chosen this life cause its always easy to b on the wrong side. And any which side am on. . Its gotta b wrong. So why bother. . .
I've never felt like being anyone significant. . Things jus cant ever b the way i wan them to be. I've jus never ever mattered enough to anybody. . THAT'S WHAT I FEEL. :-@:-@
That's what makes me this person i am. This feelin of deprivation. . And a strong need to b that 'someone significant' for someone. . Almost desperate. . N FRUITLESS
:'( I've failed. . Miserably FAILED :'( :'(
Jan 1, 2010
Hmmm. . 2010
09. . Ends.
Everythin else that's called Life. . Still continues. M with mum-dad. . Actually. . M @ mum-dad's. . . The feelin of owning this place as Home. . I dunno why i've been tryin to run away from it. I wonder why m always tryin to become somethin Different. . I strongly wanna become not somebody from this home. M mostly superficial here. Why's that :'(
its not bad. Its good. I do know that it's all good. Mum dad. . Their love n care. . Its all precious. But somehow i don wan it. . No, that's not true. I DO want it. Then what's lackin?. .
Hmph. . There's so much i wan out of my life. M greedy. M lazy to achieve anythin. M a looser. I dunno how correct my opinions are. I don care bout people. M careless. M lost. M confused. I keep tryin to lie to myself. I often do n believe. I push myself to keep up with people i hate. . And then i fail. I desperately wanted somebody to accept me. . While i myself dont. :(
I feel better when m fat. I feel more comfortable when i occupy more space. So much so that i never feel the void of anyones absence :( pathetic. .
And i crib bout this also. . Crib Crib Crib and then jus shrug it away. . What a Pathetic Looser :( :(
gunite. . 2010. . Here u are. Let's c what u've got. La la laa laa. . Phh :P :(
i need a coffee. . . .
And a quiet long piyush hug. :( not possible :'(
gunite. . On is the first night of new year. . With Lot many more to come. . It'll bring loneliness and confusions in all kinds of shapes n sizes. More hatred from family. Yet more value for happiness. Or may be it'll b much better. .
Someone get me a coffee please :-@
;->B-)
Everythin else that's called Life. . Still continues. M with mum-dad. . Actually. . M @ mum-dad's. . . The feelin of owning this place as Home. . I dunno why i've been tryin to run away from it. I wonder why m always tryin to become somethin Different. . I strongly wanna become not somebody from this home. M mostly superficial here. Why's that :'(
its not bad. Its good. I do know that it's all good. Mum dad. . Their love n care. . Its all precious. But somehow i don wan it. . No, that's not true. I DO want it. Then what's lackin?. .
Hmph. . There's so much i wan out of my life. M greedy. M lazy to achieve anythin. M a looser. I dunno how correct my opinions are. I don care bout people. M careless. M lost. M confused. I keep tryin to lie to myself. I often do n believe. I push myself to keep up with people i hate. . And then i fail. I desperately wanted somebody to accept me. . While i myself dont. :(
I feel better when m fat. I feel more comfortable when i occupy more space. So much so that i never feel the void of anyones absence :( pathetic. .
And i crib bout this also. . Crib Crib Crib and then jus shrug it away. . What a Pathetic Looser :( :(
gunite. . 2010. . Here u are. Let's c what u've got. La la laa laa. . Phh :P :(
i need a coffee. . . .
And a quiet long piyush hug. :( not possible :'(
gunite. . On is the first night of new year. . With Lot many more to come. . It'll bring loneliness and confusions in all kinds of shapes n sizes. More hatred from family. Yet more value for happiness. Or may be it'll b much better. .
Someone get me a coffee please :-@
;->B-)
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