end of the age 25

23 Dec '12

m in goa... i have got a corporate job... and i have 'some' debt on me (which i dont care much about)..

m here with my frens from SIMS.. i never thot they were gonna stay in my life like that... most of them havent.. eventually. m not a group-person... but i needed this. so much had happened and i was still directionless.

no-break in general-wonderment!

3 Oct '12

i have been un-employed for 2 months now.... and... surprisingly, totally ironic to how my frens n family feel, i'm so at peace.... mentally... things seems clearer in head. it a force-of-habit thing that i keep goin back n forth in a thot... but mostly... things seem to be moving forward. and it's scary... cause it has never so happened for me..
i dunno if u want this way of growth... or .. m jus desperate due to my past failures. m building opinions... real quick and rigid once.

when the job doesn't take a toll....

i quit my job yesterday..... thankfully on a good note with my boss. well Aditya is a guy with a heart. :)

i got this job when i had nothing... and i had promised that it will be my everything.... Since emotions.. relationships.. health.. academics.. career.. everything had failed me. i had no clear option.

i could see my self up close and personal with the dirty truths of entertainment industry... how it fucks you every moment.. in a painfully pleasurable fashion. and only once in a blue moon... it rewards.

this world was poles apart from the perfect good life picture that my parents could understand. not that their opinion mattered much, but it was the only thing i had in the name of 'personal life'....

my happiness depended on my performance.. yet there was nothing that would calm me without asking for anything in return.

my mischievous heart twisted my mind yet again, and i turned to a friend for love....

the respect for work, whatever little it was built over the couple of month, started falling down miserably.. and the magnitude of my feelings for the friend went up... unfathomably.

unfortunately enough, there was no counter action. and hopeless romantic that I was born to be, directed all my aggression towards it.

today, it feels like, there is a big dark tarnish on the beautiful friendship that had eventually grown.

he doesn't love me. he doesn't even like me. there is someone he likes.... and as a friend, i know exactly how much he likes her. well, enough amount to make me feel.... like a trash-can.

and trust me, being a trash can could have hurt less if i could blame the guy... or anyone for that matter.

my sister was (accidentally) so right when she called me an 'escapist' in terms of my job switching trends.... and here i am... NO MONEY... NO JOB... NO 'BEST-FRIEND'... NO PEACE OF MIND... tagging along with acquaintances like a good-will free-loader... Afraid!!.. to be on my own with my loneliness that i know.. will haunt me and may be tear me apart....

i tell myself that my life is one individual life.. and i have to take control... but then the lamest of all responses flashes - "why not get married!" and while it's meant to show a way-out... it's actually only a beginning to another painful reflection.... of past.. present... and the ever darn hopeless future.

i have been slammed so often.. wait.. correction- i have been slammed EVERYtime.... in a relationship. sometimes i was dumb.. sometimes i was paranoid.. sometimes he had promises to keep...  sometimes he was dumb.. sometimes he was over-bearing.. sometimes he was too stable... sometimes he was too complacent... and sometimes... he-was-just-not-that-into-me... Funny? yeah.. painfully....

So i compare.. my life.. with my peers (that's easily obvious)... by the way quite 'obvious'ly we also do not yet have a demarcation to define 'peers'. the last time i barely learnt something was at my little 1.5 year B-school stint... 1.5.. cause i was stupid enough to take up a lame job and move to mumbai before i finished the school. the bunch of friends i made at the school... are in a relatively similar mess (work-wise)... while they r still doing much better... they somehow help me take the edge off.. every now and then. God bless the bunch of kids!!

farhat is 'spot-on' when he says that we only need to fix 'work'... rest everything falls in place. but my problem is.. where is the passion?... where is the work of passion?... the last time i had a mental boner was on the food-travelogue.. RRI. That went down the pooper as i withdrew from the petty office politics. that was the last time.. was it?? no. wait...... Marketing profile at Indianet was a good one as well. and i screwed it with a lie. A LIE!!..... i cant believe i did this... side effects of not being able to speak up your mind.. at the right place.. at the right time.. may be. Anywho.... something tells me that it's good that this job did not come about. but it's not about the end result... it's the journey.. always.

summing that all up... why did i give-in to the office politics??.. why did i not speak clear at the interview??.. why did i let the love-struck-obsession hit me again??.... why????

the pain of losing toshi got absorbed.... in my mumbai rush. may her soul rest in peace. yet the hope never drown. amen.

Because RoCkStArS never compromise....

1 Aug '12

I was petrified when I first saw her... so raw... and dangerous...
But it was only till that NCC camp happened #pre thal-sainik camp July '05 - Shahatalai, Himachal... and i knew what she was. I was in love with her... i was in love with the way she liked me.
We bonded at a level we both were darn truthful and innocent. And we believed in every bit of a fairy tale. We both did it.. together. And deep down we both knew how funny it was. We enjoyed every bit of being stupid...
We had no means to keep in touch.. we decided to look at the moon every night at 9 and we will remember each other. I never did it... She did.. till sometime.

#annual training camp Nov '05 - we met again. the camp ended with a case where an officer harassed her. We took it to the media. It was a huge thing. An year later the damn officer got court-marshaled. She had a brake up following the camp.

We met again... at #view-point, chandimandir... I set her up with another loser who was secretly in love with me. It dint work out....

She fell in love again.. and this was an intense one.

I helped her break up with him. She fought with her family and left home... for Delhi. We never kept in touch.... Eventhough.. I was always supposed to be there for her. 

My boy fren got married and i was still into him. I moved to Pune and we drifted further apart. 

She lost a friend. Suicide case. She told me of her fears and grim. I dint have much time and space to understand her. 

She left me. I took a long time to realize that she has. I apologized. But she had long given up on me and a lot of other things else. 

She finally got a stable job. But not love yet. I knew this. And I was starting to need her. 

I believed that things will be fine when we get together. She didn't. 

She gave up.

Signs of Sins...

18 July '12

So many thoughts......
I made an unpardonable mistake.. actually 'sin'.....
fortunately, the deed never arrest my mind even for a bit.... the whole incident was like...

main pareshan .. pareshan... pareshan... pareshan....

after long as i feel this insecurity in me.. like butterflies... m glad.. atleast its alive!.. still there.. exists.
time washed off some bitterness from the past... somethings made me stronger... somehow found myself and suddenly saw something just perfect. age 25 may not b that bad after all..

Farhat. A name that has been around the corner for bout two years .... He is family... and nothing ever had to establish this. I jus had always known....
recently as my life's cinema-scope was randomly panning.. it got stuck on him for a minute. may b it happened when we were trying to avoid all 'other' frames. And.. something sticky happened.

After a naive teenage and a lost early-twenties... there seems a time when things become much more clearer and better articulated. all the gyan and theories start making sense. Life is not as hopeless as we thought it was goin to be..... fortunately or unfortunately becomes controllable.
But these are those things which only losers would have discovered.. and that too pretty much after a series of failures. What about those of us who always lead a life of restrain ..
My life's aim, for a long time, has been to not become an aunty (m serious). but lately i've been close.. almost there.. actually pretty much there. life sometime goes faster than me............. anyway.. this blog is not about that. so.. coming back to this restrained lot of kids in my generation.

why??? why and how does that restrain crawl up till our adult independent lives?...and what an extent of diplomacy that we still pose to revere all the rock stars and youth icons who went all out to follow their passion... yet had huge failures in some or the other point in their lives.
i wonder why the definition of passion is so badly crippled in our minds... fuck the definition. is it even there in our list of priorities??? in the middle of career, money and social acceptance..'passion' (a different league altogether) doesn't stand a chance. Its like we replaced salt with a pizza and we feel rich.

anywho.... m sure none of us has ever reached an answer to this wonderment.... my concern is... my encounters with these kinds.

Farhat is a muslim. He has inadvertently been trained to not even think of marrying a girl outside the caste. Subconsciously he has accepted this imposition too. It is still ok to have a mindset or hangup... provided it's based on your experiences...
As times change.. ideas.. and their fundamentals become obsolete... Why do we lack the balls to rather have some gut-feel driven rules and fundamentals in place.

Phew!.. if only that cud happen.. it will save us so many heart brakes. :(