waiting for a nervousbreakdown..

thats what it means i guess... when even watchin friends doesnt cheer you up... it makes you LAUGH.. but the STRESS doesnt go away at all...

there are like hundreds of impending issues i need to do something about.. but don even feel like starting..

jus read ke's blog.. she's left her job and waiting for SIMS(god forbid) to happen to her... m sure she must have by now well understood that we are not supposed to leave a job unless we have another. i learnt that too.. the same way that she she did.... but here's where my painful story joins in... she at least had a happy life to look back into... and me??? ha ha.. i've always managed to hold up the most painful things. and still dunno weather its ever gonna pay back.. have to decide specialisation in next 2 days.. and i've not even been able to figure out why m doin this pg course...

spoke to jubin yesterday.. after a long time.. no, its not comforting anymore.. he has started sounding like a stranger too.. :'( really bad. talked bout how parents and there expectation get so damn critical to handle one day.. and .. here i am.. dying to own up totally different parents.. that too as in-laws. for a while felt that, at least mum-dad are muchhh cool-er than what all the others appear to be... but who knows.. that mite jus be another thing i like sayin and believing.. cant even remember when was the last time i lived up to that belief..

gawd!! this is a typical indian inferiority syndrome i guess.. we jus never love ourselves .... and put all our energies in becoming something else..... and people like me.. don even know what we're trying to become.

i don wanna settle down... thats too much to be expected i guess.. all i want is someone to stand besides me in this lost journey.. throughout.. every second.

...urghhhhh.. 'll die of this hysteria that has suddenly grown inside me... and its quite huge.. how many times m i gonna suppress it before it jus blows up.. and i dunno what all it'll affect.

m frustrated.. utterly... frustrated .. and these days... these are very small things that frustrate me..... so muchh... i really go crazy. m loosing my mind at every little .. tiny.. minutest possible difference i have with him. its so bloody damn irritating. and this skews my mind. centimeter by centimeter.... with every such small issue. making it demented.

ya... m being extremely reactive right now. and i like it being like that. its better than being on neither of the sides.... but i wont stick to this either long enough that it possibly gives me a relief. cause m scared..... of what? being myself?

my highly complicated situation is also very usual.. but what makes it highly dreadful is the fact that m on the other side. where there is no clean white solution.

my water bottle has got some fungus over it.. but i'll still drink. ........................

things wud've been muchh different if i were a little less lazy..

alrite... m gonna go back.. and again pretend to be all fine with this constantly increasing skewness inside me................ managing to still be nice to .......... not everyone

cheers ;)