i quit my job yesterday..... thankfully on a good note with my boss. well Aditya is a guy with a heart. :)
i got this job when i had nothing... and i had promised that it will be my everything.... Since emotions.. relationships.. health.. academics.. career.. everything had failed me. i had no clear option.
i could see my self up close and personal with the dirty truths of entertainment industry... how it fucks you every moment.. in a painfully pleasurable fashion. and only once in a blue moon... it rewards.
this world was poles apart from the perfect good life picture that my parents could understand. not that their opinion mattered much, but it was the only thing i had in the name of 'personal life'....
my happiness depended on my performance.. yet there was nothing that would calm me without asking for anything in return.
my mischievous heart twisted my mind yet again, and i turned to a friend for love....
the respect for work, whatever little it was built over the couple of month, started falling down miserably.. and the magnitude of my feelings for the friend went up... unfathomably.
unfortunately enough, there was no counter action. and hopeless romantic that I was born to be, directed all my aggression towards it.
today, it feels like, there is a big dark tarnish on the beautiful friendship that had eventually grown.
he doesn't love me. he doesn't even like me. there is someone he likes.... and as a friend, i know exactly how much he likes her. well, enough amount to make me feel.... like a trash-can.
and trust me, being a trash can could have hurt less if i could blame the guy... or anyone for that matter.
my sister was (accidentally) so right when she called me an 'escapist' in terms of my job switching trends.... and here i am... NO MONEY... NO JOB... NO 'BEST-FRIEND'... NO PEACE OF MIND... tagging along with acquaintances like a good-will free-loader... Afraid!!.. to be on my own with my loneliness that i know.. will haunt me and may be tear me apart....
i tell myself that my life is one individual life.. and i have to take control... but then the lamest of all responses flashes - "why not get married!" and while it's meant to show a way-out... it's actually only a beginning to another painful reflection.... of past.. present... and the ever darn hopeless future.
i have been slammed so often.. wait.. correction- i have been slammed EVERYtime.... in a relationship. sometimes i was dumb.. sometimes i was paranoid.. sometimes he had promises to keep... sometimes he was dumb.. sometimes he was over-bearing.. sometimes he was too stable... sometimes he was too complacent... and sometimes... he-was-just-not-that-into-me... Funny? yeah.. painfully....
So i compare.. my life.. with my peers (that's easily obvious)... by the way quite 'obvious'ly we also do not yet have a demarcation to define 'peers'. the last time i barely learnt something was at my little 1.5 year B-school stint... 1.5.. cause i was stupid enough to take up a lame job and move to mumbai before i finished the school. the bunch of friends i made at the school... are in a relatively similar mess (work-wise)... while they r still doing much better... they somehow help me take the edge off.. every now and then. God bless the bunch of kids!!
farhat is 'spot-on' when he says that we only need to fix 'work'... rest everything falls in place. but my problem is.. where is the passion?... where is the work of passion?... the last time i had a mental boner was on the food-travelogue.. RRI. That went down the pooper as i withdrew from the petty office politics. that was the last time.. was it?? no. wait...... Marketing profile at Indianet was a good one as well. and i screwed it with a lie. A LIE!!..... i cant believe i did this... side effects of not being able to speak up your mind.. at the right place.. at the right time.. may be. Anywho.... something tells me that it's good that this job did not come about. but it's not about the end result... it's the journey.. always.
summing that all up... why did i give-in to the office politics??.. why did i not speak clear at the interview??.. why did i let the love-struck-obsession hit me again??.... why????
the pain of losing toshi got absorbed.... in my mumbai rush. may her soul rest in peace. yet the hope never drown. amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment