Restless @ 5:30 am **

I dunno why it is. . It isnt a new phenomena although. It has happened everytime i was stressed with relationship issues. Urghh. . Out of all the people i know. . I myself m the most hopelessly relationship-tormented person.
What's new is that very recently i had started feelin mature n practical bout it. I HAD started feelin under control. . But i dunno what's it today suddenly.
Dad's gettin old. . Still workin. . Didi's jobless. . V've had no savings AND yet v all have a particular life style of our own to support. Suddenly its all lukin typically pathetic.
And the reason why m sleepless. . I dunno. It mite jus b my awefully tight fuckin levi's jeans. :-@
M so restless. . Like. . . I 've to change somethin. It cant b piyush. . It makes absolutely no sense. All that he expects from me is too much to take for me. I know, everyone wud rather believe that i always chose this way. But no. I dint choose a way of endless compromises. There had to b a day of returns. . How cud i jus accept that there was never goin to b such a day. Piyush knows it. . He surely feels it at some level that i needed this day by now. I shud kill myself if he doesnt. :'(
The last time i broke up with him. . Everythin worked fine. Even the 24 hrs rule. But this time its not workin. Why? Why isnt it? All my guts to call him back has itself backed out and left me far ahead. If he hasnt even text me yet. . That means our thing is only diminishing more n more with every passing hour. And m jus standin by and lookin at it dying. :'(
i've to pull myself together. I know its becomin very repeatative. . Yet it has to b done. Sooner or later.
Why is piyush makin me go through this again n again. . Oh wait. I know this one. . Cause he has another girl. What can he do. . EXCEPT BEING egalitarian TOWARDS both of us. Its so stupid and fuckin pure BULLSHIT. :'(
i've BEEN feelin so aimless. My life needs to b sorted out. And the ONLY GOOD thing is THAT. . It still can b.
On one hand, not bein with piyush. . And yet thinkin of being successful. . Even that feels like cheatin on him. So it means only one thing. . Spoiling my life entirely will make us feel good. He will feel that i was with him. [LIKE KILLING THE EMOTIONS WASNT ENOUGH] Of course, he is the guy who prefers goin mentally sick and becoming dependant over standing for his feelings. 'standing-for-his-feelings'?!?. . Who m i kidding. . He dint do it when i was there. . Why wud he do it now when m not even there. What m i to him. . So much. . As much as so many other "so-much's". . :'(
ya. . I shud've seen this coming. . It was my fault to b 'accomodating' at the first place. . Or may b he was jus the wrong guy for me. Well how does that matter. . Once feelings felt up. . Are as good as gone. The same feeling that he quantifies in terms of money. How come i dint see that too. . :'( how blinded was i?? Completely? C'mon. . It was the best thing. .
. . . . . . Looks like. . Here begins my dreadful life of PRETENTIONS. Hmm. . :'(